As soon as I saw that little heartbeat I knew I would regret termination, but I kept searching for valid reasons to do it anyway. Reasons that would justify my choice. It was like tug of war with two parts of myself. Dani’s heart vs Career driven Dani.
I was definitely struggling with my choices so I decided to get some help. First, I spoke with a lady who had also become pregnant at a young age. She told me her story and shared how she felt. She didn’t tell me what to do or pass any judgement, but just knowing and speaking to someone who was in the same situation help. To this day I don’t think she understands how much I appreciated this brief phone call.
Next I started reading through my bible. I know, corny right? But hear me out, it actually helped. I read through a few scriptures and started to realise that I couldn’t right a wrong with another wrong. I knew in my heart that terminating this pregnancy was wrong for me. Psalm 139 talks about God knitting us together in our mothers womb. How he knows us before we have even made an appearance on this earth. I knew this scripture well as it is the basis of our whanau haka. There was already a plan for this little blip even if I didn’t know it yet. What seemed like terrible timing for me, was in fact Gods perfect timing. Even though I wasn’t actively following God at this time in my life, I definitely couldn’t ignore what I knew in my heart to be true.
Reading my bible was the final turning point for me and there was no going back. Despite my fear of being a disappointment and fear of judgement I had made my decision. I was going to keep this baby.
Once making my decision it felt like a huge weight off my shoulders and I could begin to get excited. Until I remembered, I still had to tell people…